The Haunting Truth

Joel was raised as a Christian, attending Christian school until he graduated from high school. But he chose to pursue other paths in life. I think because of his undiagnosed mental illness, he became obsessed with a lot of dark things - like stalking his neighborhood in camo with a loaded weapon, wanting to become a sniper (as he put it, because it seemed like a good idea at the time), getting involved in a gang - just to name a few things. He told me that he spent his youth trying to hold a pitchfork in one hand and a Bible in the other. This poem reflects his mental torment as he tried to break free from all that.

Haunting Truth

 

What do you hear within silence?

What do you see when you close your eyes?

Where do you run when you turn on yourself?

Each night in the dark I sit feeling detached.

Then it begins – haunted by truth

Overwhelmed by the silence ringing in my ears

 

Battles rage in the middle of my mind

Insatiable hungers stalk my heart

Insidious temptations strive to break my will

I know what’s right and wrong

Talking like a hero, but too weak to be strong

My body’s a prison keeping my spirit down

Just another confused idiot hugging the ground

A coward, scared to make a stand, do what needs done

The world needs a hero, I’m afraid to stand and be counted as one

My own worst enemy, my own best friend

Convicted by guilt, forgiven by God,

Condemned by those I hurt.

 

Why do I punish myself, tormented by shame?

I hear the spirit of truth within my mind

I see the lies I tried to hide behind

When I close my eyes, I see nowhere to run

Too stubborn to give up, too selfish to give in

Too humble to be proud, ‘cause I’m guilty as sin

A spirit of virtue in a body for vice

A wicked hero whose heart is gentle and nice

 

I can’t wait to quit beathin’ ‘cause I’m tired of livin’

I won’t quit or give up in the middle of Hell

I’ll fight till I die to get home to Heaven

I believe in Love ‘cause Love never fails

I believe in Truth ‘cause Truth always prevails

~ by Joel Purkerson

 

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